TMG Philosophy: Stronger In Waiting- Part 2

Sand_0013It was the summer of 2011 and I was done waiting.  I was done hoping.  My husband and I had experienced a year of loss that threatened to drown us both.  Waiting for anything other than a lifeline seemed impossible. I was done explaining the story to those who asked, and done fielding the sympathetic looks when people discovered we did, in fact, want to start a family, but had experienced so many years, so many cycles of grief in waiting.  “There, there, kind eyes said.  “It will happen; keep trying,” warm hugs said.  “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be,” concerned smiles said.  

Maybe it wasn’t, I finally told myself.  A resounding NO was the answer I kept hearing, in my head and in my unanswered prayers.  That NO had already crept into my heart, filling it with a hardness that seemed to make each smile forced.  I would stop waiting because there wasn’t anything to wait for.

I didn’t know it, but a trip back to Minnesota for a family reunion began to chip away at the hardness.  My husband and I had always planned to adopt.  It wasn’t a matter of “if”, it was a matter of “when”, or “when we can afford it”.  We hadn’t ever given anything but independent adoption the time and consideration.  We certainly weren’t going to do anything crazy like open our homes to foster kids, hoping to adopt them if that was an option.  That would require too many risks, too much waiting, too much wondering.  So, after I read an article on fost-adopt that my aunt showed us, I thought, “Well, that’s nice, but not for us. Not this way.   An offer by a cousin to be a surrogate for us floored and humbled me, leaving me to wonder, Was this the way? Was this what we had been waiting for?   

The trip home was full of wonderings, full of questions…full of this odd feeling that resembled hope.  Was that article and that offer the kick we needed to do something instead of feeling like victims?  What were we supposed to do?  What were we waiting for?  I hate waiting…

When my sister walked into my office on a warm afternoon and handed me a business card for a local agency that specialized in fost-adopt, I thought, here we go again.  “Call,” she told me.  “No,” I told her. “I’ll just wait and think about it.  I don’t think this is the way.”  “It’s time,” she answered me.  “Time to stop waiting.  I’ll call for you.”  Fine.  Whatever, I thought as she left.    

Two weeks later as I talked on the phone with the director of the fost-adopt program, I felt that hope begin to grow.   An interview, some phone calls, much paperwork, emotionally-packed training classes and a few more weeks later found us ready to begin the next step in the process and meet our social worker. This was it; we were in it.

Had I known how many meetings we would have with her, how much a part of the family she would become, I would have hugged her immediately and welcomed her like an old friend.  Of course, had I known how many meetings we would have with her, how much waiting we would go through with her, we may not have continued.  

As she begins to take notes, I wait.  I wait to hear her say this isn’t going to work.  I wait to see if I can make out what she is writing.  No matter how much I strain my neck, I can’t figure it out.  So I wait some more.  I wait in between meetings and phone calls with her.  And when our home study is almost done and our profile is ready, I wait for the phone to ring. I wait for the disappointment.  I wait. 

Nate’s Notes: A Big Year

Well, it’s a new year.  I’m another year older…and she is still here.  It’s been a big year!  I remember when she first came to live with us.  I remember Momma and Daddy calling me a big brother for the first time.  I remember holding her for the first time, her throwing up on me for the first time, the first time she smiled at me, laughed at me, and growled at me.   I go back and forth about having her around.  She smells.  She makes funny noises.  She keeps us ALL up at night.  She gets a lot of attention.  Sometimes I act like her so that I get attention too…as if to say, “Hello big people!  Remember me?  The funny, witty, charming one who actually HELPS with things?”   Then, when no one is paying attention to either of us, I remind her that I was here first.  This usually ends in crying, head butting and an innocent-looking, well placed move from me that appears to be a hug just as Momma and Daddy look at us.   On the other hand, she thinks I’m super cool (maybe she’s smarter than I thought), AND she growls.  Both of these will come in handy.  And when she smiles at me or gives me a kiss, I get that happy tug and warm feeling.  When she laughs because of something I do, I can’t help but smile!  

I’m talking about Lyla, of course.  This last weekend it was her birthday.  She’s one now!  It seems like when I turned one, I had such a better understanding of life than Lyla does.  I already had my own blog, was practicing with cameras (even without permission), and had the art of distraction down, especially in public when Momma embarrassed us with her camera.  Lyla seems like such a baby.  She just crawls through life unaware of all that is done around her and for her.  Pfff.  Some kids.  Oh to be that unaware.   

She’s watching me now…actually she’s headed this way, so I better stop.  Not that she would understand what I’m doing, but I don’t need her drawing attention to me.  I guess I’ll have to pretend to be really interested in learning the ABC song again so Momma doesn’t catch on to me writing this.  I mean, how many times can you hear that song???!!!  Lyla doesn’t mind; she’ll just clap and bop her head like she does every time…such a baby.   Gotta go!    

RSWL: Service to Others (Volunteering)

 “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’”Martin Luther King Jr.

Today, our nation observes and celebrates Martin Luther King Jr., his life and accomplishments.   As one of many ways of doing this, each year, Americans across the country answer that infamous question of his by coming together on the Martin Luther King Jr. Holiday to serve their neighbors and communities through volunteering and service projects.  I decided to rehash a previous blog post on volunteering to share today.

Volunteers are the backbone of organizations and events throughout society.   Who hasn’t signed up for a creek clean up day, soup kitchen, building project or more?  Sure, some people volunteer a few times a year, others volunteer like it’s their job.  And while I usually smirk at these do-gooders, the truth is that I wish I was more like them.  I’d love to volunteer about a gazillion percent more than I do, and I want my kids to grow up volunteering throughout their lives, begin part of a movement to progress.

There is such a range of volunteering too, that there HAS to be some area we all fit into with our abilities and personalities.   Whether it is helping at a race event, vacuuming a church, tutoring kids, a community garden,  walking a dog, fighting fires, or a mission trip,  volunteer opportunities abound locally and elsewhere.   I’ve seen firsthand the impact a couple dozen people and a few hours can make on the lives of people who are hurting.  I’ve felt first hand the love these actions carry.   Giving our time for something bigger than our needs gives hope.  For me, helping out at whatever occasion comes up is a good reality check and a reminder that life isn’t just about my needs, troubles and wants. Sometimes the circumstances are eye-opening, or life altering, like a mission trip or being part of relief efforts after a natural disaster.

Whatever the motivation, whatever the cause, whatever the reasons for helping, volunteers are just plain cool.  We don’t all have to believe the same thing or think the same way to have an enormous impact together.    Imagine a life without volunteers.  What would happen at our churches, libraries, volunteer fire departments, schools and parks if the volunteers didn’t show up??!! Who would help those that need extra love and care above and beyond the paid-position sector if not for volunteers?   I don’t think we want to know.

So, if you have ever volunteered, or if you are going to volunteer…thank you.  You rock.

RSWL: Service to Others (Volunteering)

 “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’”Martin Luther King Jr.

Today, our nation observes and celebrates Martin Luther King Jr., his life and accomplishments.   As one of many ways of doing this, each year, Americans across the country answer that infamous question of his by coming together on the Martin Luther King Jr. Holiday to serve their neighbors and communities through volunteering and service projects.  I decided to rehash a previous blog post on volunteering to share today.

Volunteers are the backbone of organizations and events throughout society.   Who hasn’t signed up for a creek clean up day, soup kitchen, building project or more?  Sure, some people volunteer a few times a year, others volunteer like it’s their job.  And while I usually smirk at these do-gooders, the truth is that I wish I was more like them.  I’d love to volunteer about a gazillion percent more than I do, and I want my kids to grow up volunteering throughout their lives, begin part of a movement to progress.

There is such a range of volunteering too, that there HAS to be some area we all fit into with our abilities and personalities.   Whether it is helping at a race event, vacuuming a church, tutoring kids, a community garden,  walking a dog, fighting fires, or a mission trip,  volunteer opportunities abound locally and elsewhere.   I’ve seen firsthand the impact a couple dozen people and a few hours can make on the lives of people who are hurting.  I’ve felt first hand the love these actions carry.   Giving our time for something bigger than our needs gives hope.  For me, helping out at whatever occasion comes up is a good reality check and a reminder that life isn’t just about my needs, troubles and wants. Sometimes the circumstances are eye-opening, or life altering, like a mission trip or being part of relief efforts after a natural disaster.

Whatever the motivation, whatever the cause, whatever the reasons for helping, volunteers are just plain cool.  We don’t all have to believe the same thing or think the same way to have an enormous impact together.    Imagine a life without volunteers.  What would happen at our churches, libraries, volunteer fire departments, schools and parks if the volunteers didn’t show up??!! Who would help those that need extra love and care above and beyond the paid-position sector if not for volunteers?   I don’t think we want to know.

So, if you have ever volunteered, or if you are going to volunteer…thank you.  You rock.

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TMG Philosophy: Stronger in Waiting- Part 1

I am impatient. Though I resolve each year of my life to become more patient, I feel like the virtue slips further out of my reach.  With a toddler son now, and an infant daughter, I find myself surprised when my friends and family tell me I am calm and patient with the kids.  Most times, I feel frantic and flustered.  Most times, I feel like screaming while I roll my eyes dramatically when my son decides we need to stack the books AGAIN just as we are leaving the house; or he chooses to throw a level 12 tantrum with five minutes to spare before getting to an important appointment (level 12 requires at least 37 minutes to get through).  Most times, I feel like giving myself a time out in the corner and rocking back and forth.  Truth is, I am impatient, no matter how I SEEM to others.   I loathe waiting, whether it is in a line for food or for my kids, or for photos to upload.  I start twitching.  

It is exciting to think about where The Transmogrifier will go, how many people we can inspire to create and connect with through our photos and blog.  Trouble is, I, along with the other team members, have to wait. Probably longer than ANY of us want to.  I loathe waiting.  Whenever I hear myself drift toward this negative but very real part of me, I remind myself…

Hope

Hope

Ten years ago, if someone had told me I’d be stronger because of waiting, I’d have shown them the door.  I didn’t have time to listen to psychobabble about being refined through trials and patience.  I had a plan.  My husband and I wanted to start a family, and we were pretty sure it would happen pretty fast, without glitches.  We were so wrong.   One year, then three, then eight years went by.  People tried to support us.  People tried to love us.  I didn’t have time for that though.  I didn’t want to wait around and be comforted. 

My fervent pleading and prayers seemed unanswered.  Or maybe I didn’t wait for an answer.  I began to slow down.  My hope disappeared.   My courage vanished.  My strength dwindled.   I cried harder, pleaded longer, listened more intently, and waited for a “yes”.   But all my waiting got me was another year, another “no”.   I was done waiting.  I gave up. 

And then, one summer, some key people and a series of events changed me forever.    

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Nate’s Notes: Dr. Nate

Here’s the deal.  I’m two.  I don’t know about calendars or events, what day it is, or what special meetings have to happen.  I take my cues from the big people in my life, mostly Momma and Daddy.  Honestly, because I am two, I don’t really care either unless it affects me.  Pretty much, if they are happy, I feel happy; if they go somewhere, I usually go too; if they get upset, it makes me feel upset.  So you can imagine my surprise when I was told Momma and Daddy were going to stay with a doctor for a few days, over Christmas, and Lyla and I would stay with Gram and Papa.  What?  Why? What about me? 

One day, Momma and Daddy dropped us off, after giving us big hugs, and left.  Momma seemed, Daddy seemed upset, and it all made me feel icky in my tummy.  Gram held me tight, Daddy said he’d be back as soon as he could, and they were gone.  Just like that.  They were gone.  Lyla was oblivious, and I wished I could be too. Oh to be 11 months old again…when all you are aware of is when your next bottle will come.  Nighttime came, and Daddy didn’t come back.  We slept with Papa and Gram.  Another day and night came, and we still didn’t go back home.  I love it at Papa and Gram’s, but I couldn’t stop asking where Momma and Daddy were. 

When I finally did see them, it was in a big doctor’s office, with lots of people; Momma was in a weird bed, with a strange dress on, and she was plugged into machines.  Her face looked different, and she talked kinda different.  I felt that scared, jumpy feeling again in my stomach.   “Momma?”, I asked in a small voice.  “I go nigh-night to Momma?”, I asked, and tried to climb onto the strange bed.  Everyone yelled and stopped me, scaring me even more.  I wanted to leave right away.   Why was everyone so serious?  Why was Momma in bed?  Why was she here?  None of it made sense.  Why did she look like that?  Why couldn’t I stay with her and Daddy? 

After a few more days, Gram brought me and Lyla home where Momma and Daddy were waiting. I was so excited, and couldn’t wait to jump on Daddy!  Momma still looked different. She took naps a lot.  She must be really tired or something.  She walked really funny too, all bent over and slow.  Did she forget how to walk?  Should I show her?  There was that feeling again. 

The next day I saw her get out of bed.  I watched her from the hallway before that feeling took over and I ran to Gram yelling, “Momma scares me!”.   Later I saw Momma crying and wondered if she was scared too.  What was happening? 

The next morning, Daddy and Gram were talking and decided they needed my help.  They told me a story about Momma and her owie.  They started calling me Dr. Nate.  First they drew a line on my stomach and said it was just like Momma’s owie.  It looked like a ladder to me, but it was cool.  Then they had me go check on Momma.  I was Dr. Nate and had to see if she needed water, if her owie was okay.  I checked it.  Hers looked like a ladder too!!   Cool!  Then I brought her water and ice, and kissed her hand.  It was the first time I felt a huge smile on my face AND inside. 

I get it now.  At first, I was confused about everything that had happened.  At least I think I was confused.  I’m still trying to figure out each emotion as I grow.  Whatever I was feeling, it came out as scared…mostly because I didn’t know what was happening or why.  When my big people explained it to me and helped me be Dr. Nate, it became less scary.  When I could be helper, something I knew and liked, it calmed me down. 

I can hear Momma calling now.  Dr. Nate to the rescue! 

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RSWL: Sunsets

Although I have nothing against the less colorful, morning sky relative, it felt like I had to pick one or the other to “like” for this blog entry.   After all, how many people do you hear say, “I just LOVE watching a sunset, or sunrise…or either.”   No.   Most people admit their love affair with one or the other.  For me, I think I have always been partial to a sunset anyway.

Calming

Calming

Whether it is the more colorful palette or the desire to decompress at the end of a busy day, sunsets have captured me for as long as I can remember.  I recall, as a young girl, climbing the sycamore tree in our front yard or sneaking onto the roof of our house to watch the sun go to bed.    Not much can stop me in my tracks like a sunset can.  Not much can diffuse the frustration, anxiety, worry or anger that may have slowly built over the day like a sunset.  Not much can grab me, shake me, and remind me that it isn’t about me they way an evening sky can.   Not much else makes me want to paint with words so much as a sunset. 

A good sunset wraps me in the warmth of colors: hues of oranges, yellows, reds, pinks, and purples.   A good sunset erases sorrows, even if just for moments.  A good sunset absorbs all the heaviness of the day and bathes me in hope for a fresh start.   A good sunset displays wonders that illuminate just how small I am, and just how majestic our world is.  Sometimes, the most beautiful sunsets come as a result of haze, smog, or smoke from a forest fire.  It is out of those unfortunate circumstances though, that I’m reminded beauty and good things can come from bad times.

Pinks and Blue

Pinks and Blue

Warm hues

Warm hues

Whether you anxiously await the sun’s setting (guilty!), or are surprised by the beauty, stop and watch.  Just stop everything, besides breathing.  Maybe even make it a habit to watch as many sunsets as possible in the days, weeks and months to come.  Step outside.  Breathe in the warmth of the sky.  You won’t be disappointed. 

(P.S.- If you live in some godforsaken, frozen part of the country at the moment and can’t step outside to view this beauty, you can always look at our lovely sunset images, from all over the world, on TMGimagery.com.) 

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